


Trapped Behind a Mask

by svana_vrika



Category: Yami No Matsuei
Genre: Angst with a Happy Ending, Complete, First Kiss, Gen, M/M, POV First Person, Series Spoilers, Yaoi
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2013-11-20
Updated: 2013-11-20
Packaged: 2018-01-02 03:17:00
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 1,668
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/1051886
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/svana_vrika/pseuds/svana_vrika
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>One mask perpetuates another. Can either be broken to reveal what lays beneath?</p>
            </blockquote>





	Trapped Behind a Mask

**Author's Note:**

> Disclaimer: The following is written solely for fun, and no infringement is intended. Saiyuki and the scenarios and characters involved are the intellectual property of Yoko Matsushita.
> 
> Unbetaed. All mistakes are my own
> 
> FYI: Kyoto Arc spoiler alert

He’s hiding behind that smile again. Just as he has for ages- since the day I forsook him as a partner. He’d tried to smile back then too, even as he’d shed the tears that had reminded me so painfully of my mother. The specters from his past continually haunted his mind, and despite his efforts, the pain and guilt would renew every time he’d claim another soul. But it wasn’t until I turned my back on him and left him behind that the smile became a mask. That he truly became a ghost trapped inside his shell. 

I suppose we all are, after a fashion. Neither living nor fully dead, just masses of spiritual energy manipulating ourselves into the image of our former beings, trapped in the beautiful prison of Meifu by what keeps us bound to the living world, and our contracts with Enma DaiOh. But with Tsuzuki, it’s even more so. His guilt, his pain, his past; he hides it all behind his smile and happy façade, determined to keep it concealed lest he push someone else away. Like he did me. 

I hate it. And I hate knowing that I helped plant those seeds of guilt and self loathing that he continually sows behind his cheerful mask even more. Despite the cool façade I attempted to hide behind myself, my own guilt began to tear at me as strongly as his tears had, and eventually I realized just what I had lost by turning him away. He had wanted more than what I thought I was capable of giving; had all but begged for it through his affectionate gestures. His attempts to please. The longing in his beautiful expressive eyes. But I had been so jaded that even my analytical accountant’s mind couldn’t see how much of a return I would have gotten in exchange for my investment. The beauty that is Tsuzuki could have been mine- the true beauty that extends beyond his attractive physicality. He had offered me all that had remained of his self: his naiveté, his honesty and innocence, his friendship and devotion, his light. But I turned my back instead, and let it die. I wonder, does he die a little bit more every time he forces that smile?

Over the years, I tried to make amends; to protect him the best I could and to offer unobtrusive kindnesses when the opportunity allowed without showing my hand. Yet whenever he’d offer me more than the same smile he gave to others, I still found myself shutting him out. I didn’t deserve it, I told myself. And he definitely deserved more than me. Pathetic excuses I made to cover my own insecurities and fears. Even in Kyoto, when he needed me most, I told him to stop crying. To be a man. As he’d pulled away, that cursed smile had once again been in place, but I’d told myself it was for the best, despite the way the expression in his eyes had sent a chill through my soul- a pain and exhaustion that ran deeper than hurt feelings or the toll of the mission. After all those years, Tsuzuki’s smile was finally failing him. In retrospect, from that alone, I should have known. 

The next morning had shown a rarely seen side of Tsuzuki; one full of resolve- of determination to save that girl. Or, so I’d thought it to be at the time. However, Tsuzuki had let his true desire be known as we’d shared tea that afternoon. Yes, he wanted to keep Mariko safe, but his resolve had been seeded by his past. _Our_ past. He didn’t want any more sad memories of Kyoto, he’d said, verbalizing what I’d known for years- that he still carried the sorrow and guilt with which I’d laden him during our brief tenure together. And then he’d asked me for my strength, requesting something _personal_ from me for the first time in countless decades. There hadn’t been any mask, just open, honest Tsuzuki, pure of heart and intention just as he’d been so long ago. Unable to- not _wanting_ to- resist, tired of the hiding myself, I’d quietly vowed to give him all I had, and cupping his cheek, I’d leaned forward to seal my promise with a kiss. 

I wonder; had I been able to carry it through, would it have made a difference? 

As I sit beside his bed now, watching him heal from Touda’s flames, I curse myself for the cowardice I’d exhibited. Granted, the waitress’ timing was unfortuitous, but it shouldn’t have mattered. Tsuzuki was all that should have, but once again, I’d let my own issues get in the way, leaving him with what he saw as merely another empty platitude offered to placate him enough to where he’d finish the job. As I’d hurriedly pulled away, I’d witnessed the hope vanish from his eyes to be replaced by that smile and the pain and weariness from before, but I’d done nothing. What _could_ I have done? Any attempt to explain my situation would have seemed trite, and would have likely wounded him further, so I’d let it pass. Now, thinking back, I can’t help but wonder; had it been that particular moment that had pushed Tsuzuki over the edge? 

The thought tears at me, even as a bitter smile curves my lips upward with the next- that, despite the hurt I’d imparted to him, I hadn’t been able to help but betray him yet again. As soon as I’d seen the laboratory that night, I’d recognized Touda’s flames, and I’d known immediately that Tsuzuki had wanted to die. Once more, I’d done my best to give him what he’d desired, but in the end, my own needs had taken precedence yet again. Unable to bear the thought of spending eternity without him, I’d interceded, using my shadow magic to pull him from the fire. He’s told me he hates me before, but only in the heat of his tantrums. I wonder if, this time, he’ll say it and truly mean it. After all, I did rob him of the only way he had to truly stop the ghosts of his past from haunting his mind. 

The sound of Tsuzuki stirring in his bed draws me from my thoughts, and with a bit of trepidation I turn toward him. However, before I can even catch his gaze, the door opens and Watari breezes in. After the blonde examines him, he notifies the rest of the department that Tsuzuki is awake, and within minutes, the room is filled with his friends, all of them bearing gifts and well wishes. All of them telling him they’re glad he survived. Despite the way he smiles and thanks them, I can’t help but wonder if he feels the same way, and as my guilt threatens to consume me, I slip away, unable to bear the sight of that smile. I don’t go far, however; just down the hall a bit, and when the count makes his appearance and starts his innuendo, I can’t help but make my return. Hakushaku tries my patience on the best of days, and the last thing I want or need at the moment is to listen to him subject Tsuzuki to his unwanted advances- even if I have no right to defend him from them. 

The room clears almost as quickly as it had filled as a result of my rant, and the next thing I know, I’m alone with Tsuzuki again. For a brief moment I stand there, uncertain as to _what_ to do, and then I turn to the one thing I know will at least temporarily distract him. Gratefully, he accepts my offer of food, and as I draw up a chair and begin to carve out the apple birds he loves so much, I finally put voice to the question that has been plaguing me. I can’t help it. My mind deals best with facts and figures; I’d rather know for certain that he loathes me for my interference than be left to wonder.

My emotions run so high as I wait for him to answer that I cut myself, and cursing softly, I drop the knife to the ground, looking up in surprise when gentle fingers caress the already healing wound. He gazes into my troubled eyes with a seriousness not often seen in him, and after a moment, he gives me the most beautiful, _genuine_ smile. “I’m not upset with you, Tatsumi,” he says softly, lightly shaking his head, and then a pretty blush rises to color his cheeks. “I understand how you feel,” he continues, with a look so open and honest that I can’t help but believe he truly does, and though the old discomfiture flits through me, the relief I feel at the thought of no longer having to hide quickly pushes it away. 

Tsuzuki must see or sense it because his smile widens to sparkle in his eyes, and with a shy look, he leans forward and slips his arms around my neck. “I’m happy, Tatsumi. You saved me. I owe you my life.” He pulls back then, but only slightly- just enough to permit me to see through his gaze that he is speaking about more than just the rescue. Then, with a slightly shy smile of my own, I nod and close the distance again, finally delivering the kiss I meant to all those days ago. As our lips meet, my smile briefly widens before I permit myself to succumb to the decades of suppressed longing. I have no doubt that the ghosts of our former selves will continue to haunt us. Meifu is, after all, meant to be a punishment, despite its beauty. But now that I’ve finally surrendered my mask and walls to let him in, I’ll do whatever it takes to keep him happy- to see that he never has reason to retreat behind his shell of a smile again.


End file.
